Mab's Mad Musings

Hey there LJ! It's been too long again. I'm still alive and stuff. Bouncing around from shiny thing to shiny thing with very little direction - the usual.

Thought I'd share some pics of my most recent cosplay adventure. My brother contacted me a few weeks ago and said that he'd love to do a convention with me where we'd crossplay characters. Since I already had a Sally Ragdoll cosplay and we're about the same size, I thought it couldn't be too hard to pull a Jack Skellington together real quick. Rose City Comic Con was the next convention on my list and so I whipped something up in 2 weeks.

The jacket was the hardest part. I found a wonderful tailcoat at Hollywood Vintage here in Portland. It was old and worn, ripped up a bit on the inside, but workable and... they wanted 150 bucks for it because "vintage". I passed on that. Found a horrible band jacket on the clearance rack, straight out of a 1970s nightmare with gold tassels and glittery shit all over it and bought it for 20 bucks. Then, five hours with a seam ripper later, had the perfect base for a Jack Skellington tailcoat. I took off the buttons, painted one white and sewed it back on. I embellished the tails with felt and wire and then blanket stitched more felt together to make the bat bowtie. Got a black bodysuit and some white textile paint and painted a big triangle and some stripes on it. ... Anyway... It worked. I love how our cosplays turned out.

I'd been looking for an excuse to shave my head again for a while. This was it. See some pictures in the spoiler tags (which seem to work different than they used to??) They open up one after the other and require much clicking?? I've been away too long. Sorry!










































Six days after the last time I shaved my head, my hair is already growing back in with full force! I can't stop petting my own head.

Hello, livejournal. It's been a very long time since I've checked in and I've missed you all.

Life has been chaotic, but in a good way.



The past couple of years, I've been struggling hard with some personal revelations. Pretty much I can pinpoint the day they became REAL to the day the Prozac wore off. I'd been on it or an alternate antidepressant from ages 16-36; I'm now 38.

The day it wore off, I began writing a fic for the Harry Big Bang and pounded out 74k words for it in 2 weeks. For those of you who haven't read it, it deals largely with gender identity issues and despite the content warnings, is hugely positive and affirming. 'Twas Brillig is the fic, and the link goes to Ao3.

Why this is relevant. I haven't been aware/honest with myself for most of my life as to my own identity/sexuality. Largely, I've presented myself as a staunch LGBTQIA+ ally and left it at that. And then I've lived my life in a pretty much mental closet, stuffing everything I can't deal with into the back of my mind and not dealing with any of it. And that resulted in me kinda having a half-existence, not really living life, instead just bullshitting my way through it ... not connecting with my kids, my husband, my therapist, my kids teachers, my parents, etc... fandom was my escape and the only place I ever let my personality really shine.

Last fall, I decided to give my real life name one last go - see if I could reclaim it and that was a gigantic fail. I ended up so deep in depression I couldn't breathe. I picked up cosplay in an effort to pull myself out of it, since even fanfic writing was too hard. Cosplay, like fanfic writing and podficcing, and playing with art - pretty much fandom in general did give me a stepping stone and I realized I needed to deal with my shit and I needed help to do it in January.

I found another therapist familiar with questioning gender/sexuality issues and had a great first session. Set some goals and met them, and then the second session hit me like a blow to the chest. She couldn't take on another 'talk therapy' client, instead wanting to focus on mindfulness/body awareness meditation... etc.. new agey stuff that I think is great for some people, but wasn't my pressing need then. So I stopped seeing her and instead joined a spa/massage co-op where gender is pretty much a non-issue. Naked hot tubbing and sauna and being out of doors with all the genders and an understood respect of personal boundaries works wonders for me - more than talking shit out.

I'm totally going on a tangent again. Anyway. I came out to my immediate (people I live with) family as Androgyne (nonbinary/genderqueer) in February and life has been looking up like whoa since then. Husband and I have been connecting again, working on talking more, sharing goals and ideals, making sure our futurescopes line up still. They do. He's not exactly sure about what nonbinary gender means, but I've explained it's really just who I've always been, the me he fell in love with was still me, just a me who was unaware that being outside the binary box was a thing I could be.

I struggled with my weight for a long time, and while I acknowledge weight issues stem from many different sources for many different people, for me, it was mostly a symptom of my own disconnect from my true and honest self. I recognize myself looking in a mirror again. I feel present when I'm out and about walking, doing things. Hell, I'm out and about doing things again. ... that right there is a huge sign that I'm on the path to personal wellness.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Call me Mab. That's the name I've used with people I trust since 2004/2005. I'm using it in real life more now, and working up to officially changing my name and being honest with my extended family/parents, etc... As of now, I answer to any pronouns. Eventually, I'll likely prefer they/them, but for now I'm not focusing on that (because if I do, it'll hurt me every time it's ignored and I'm not strong enough to face that atm.)

My kids think it's nbd at all. They were so unperturbed by me coming out as genderqueer that it gives me hope for the future.






2013



2014



2015



Late 2015



2016 (about 2 weeks ago)








This is the ship I've been obsessed with since 2014. Fanart by Brunagonda. I base my cosplays off her vision of Nico di Angelo and Will Solace. I'm still waiting for my blue contacts to arrive for Will.

Hello there LJ!

I've been so freaking busy it isn't even funny. Real life can really bite. Anyway, I don't feel like talking about it because it's all annoying and stuff and I'm grateful it is what it is and isn't like serious severe shit, yanno?

I just got back from a convention. Newcon PDX. This was my first time going to a con specifically to cosplay. It wasn't bad at all, but the photographer I had booked a shoot with had a death in the family the day before day 0 and had to cancel, so that sucked. I mean, for her. I could've had nice shiny photos taken by the convention photogs at the photo booth, but I really wasn't feeling it. ... Maybe next time. Instead I got hallway shots from fellow con-goers and that's good enough for me.

Thought I'd share them with you. If anybody wants to see what the fuck Mab is off doing when she's supposed to be finishing her WiPs... >.>

My daughter cosplayed with me as characters from Steven Universe and that was really fun. I met up with my brother and his good friend on the second day and spent the last day just walking around and talking to random people. (my favorite pastime when I'm in the mood for it).
slr2moons was going to come with us but real life is an even bigger bitch in her life than in mine right now so it was understandable why she couldn't.

These are the characters Gwen (my daughter) and I were cosplaying from SU.

































The Peridot on the left is Gwen.























Then I cosplayed Nico di Angelo from Rick Riordan's Percy Jackson series.









And I cosplayed Hearthstone from Rick Riordan's Magnus Chase series too. A super sweet deaf elf with his fashion-loving dwarf boyfriend, Blitzen. Only, I haven't yet found a cosplayer to be Blitzen. One day - this will happen.





After overdoing the rune magic, Hearth signs, 'washing machine'?























And lastly ... My daughter cosplayed a character from Homestuck.







Anyway, if you made it through all of that, what do you think? shut up, mab and stick to writing

:P

I hope you are well f-list. I'm sorry I'm so absent.

Hey all!

I really have been away for a while and I'm sorry for that. I've been engrossed by the PJO/HoO (Percy Jackson and the Olymians / Heroes of Olympus) fandom and they're all on tumblr. - If ever you're looking for me, you can find me there as mab-speaks. I also run a ship blog for the fandom's ultimate bromance to romance duo - jercyjuice and I've taken up Arting in an effort to grow my skills and have a creative outlet when the words just aren't coming. My art blog is mabscribbles.

I've been writing up a storm the past several months. I counted my words made so far in that fandom starting 7 months ago and it's: 190,365 ... so yeah, a lot. I've also made a few podfics and started a PJO writer/artist 18+ chat room. It's keeping me very busy.

In the world of HP, the third annual HP Horror Fest just posted reveals at hp_darkarts and it was a blast to mod. I made art for it. Disturbing art. I kept with my tradition of torturing poor Teddy Lupin. (I only torture my favorite characters)

I'll stick it under a spoiler tag if you'd rather not see. TW: blood, self harm.

Summary: As a Metamorphmagus, Teddy Lupin has always struggled with what he "actually" looks like. In a moment of insanity he decides to find out for himself.







See it on Ao3

It was my first attempt ever at using a tablet to color - and my tablet is obsolete. Still, I think it effectively got the horror message I was going for across. *wry smile*

In other news related to art, there's a new daily drawing community on dreamwidth started by a local writing buddy of mine and I'm having fun participating and drawing for the prompts. All doodles are PG-13 and under and can be from any fandom. There's no limit to how often or infrequent members participate either.

So check it out if you're interested. I see a lot of improvement in my ability in just the past month from drawing something every day.



Here was my doodle for today:

This is Nico di Angelo, son of Hades, just waking up. He's normally pretty brooding and not a morning person. Just figures that the only clean mug he can find was left by Will Solace, son of Apollo. Maybe after he's had his morning coffee, Nico will be in more of a sunshine mood. :P



...

I've booked my tickets for my summer fangirl trip to London! I'll be staying with writcraft and have plans to meet up with some other UK-rs too! Can't wait. I'll be flying out on 30 July and coming home on 7 August.

All right. I think that's enough for an update right now. I have to run my daughter's friend home in a sec. I miss you f-list, and I promise I'm not going to be away forever. I'm just following where my muse is leading and I trust that eventually it will return me to HP. Hogwarts will always be home. XD

Prompting: 24 January to 7 February
Claiming: 8 February
Submissions: 4 April
Posting: from 25 April


Click the banner to check out the prompts and snag a pimping banner and spread the word!

I can't get over how amazing this turned out. Even if you don't read the Percy Jackson books, I think you'll enjoy taking a peek!

The fic it's illustrated for is the first of three one-shots that follow my novel-length fic Shelter. The one-shot is called Atonement featuring Apollo and Zephyros, the god of the West Wind.

The artist is Brunagonda and you can find her on Tumblr

Reveals happened at hd_owlpost and I'm feeling so very thankful today!

Thank you to enchanted_jae, capitu, and anemonen for the wonderful gifts! I really appreciate them! *holds them close*

A Glut of Gifts Drabble and art! By enchanted_jae

The Mirror by anemonen A fan art gift to go with my fic Broken Dreams And as soon as reveals go up, I'm going to add it to the fic because it's too perfect not to display and share with future readers!

capitu gave me beta assistance as my hd_owlpost gift and I cannot thank her enough!

And thank you, too, mods, kitty_fic and vaysh. You are such wonderful people to bring fandom together in creating and sharing. I appreciate your hard work and dedication!

I want to thank everybody who remembered me this holiday season and I'm sorry this post is so late. I've been waiting for reveals to happen at hd_owlpost before posting, but it seems they are taking some time, so I'll just post about what I received and gave later.

Cards:

Thanks to hikarievandar, lyonessheart, candamira, mayfly_78, chibitoaster, sksdwrld, leemarchais, jad, digthewriter, lokifan, anemonen, groolover, winnett, kitty_fic, saras_girl, writcraft for sending me cards. There's a picture of them below!







groolover sent me a calendar along with her holiday card. It is THE best ever! I've shared it with all my friends that have visited this past month. The agree it's awesome. It is a calendar featuring saras_girl and her lovely wife, dannyfranx in their natural habitat of unusual pets and odds and ends.

And I want to thank all the people who signed up for my holiday card list this year! You helped me break last years number of sent cards! I enjoy shopping for fandom related cards and odds and ends so much and nothing makes me happier than sending them to people who are important to me and will appreciate them as much as I do. I also try to buy them from fandom artists because that's the best.

The lovely saladbats sent me a lovely post owl necklace and card!











If you sent me a card and I missed you on this list, I'm so sorry. Poke me and let me know. I tried really hard to keep my cards together as they arrived, but with holiday mail and all the things that go along with real life business, I know I've been scatterbrained.

Last year I sent 25 cards to fandom friends and this year... dun dun dun... 41!!!

Fanarts:

chibitoaster finished an illustration for my fic Where Your Treasure Lies and it's now updated with the other art she did for it and I'm over the moon by how beautiful they both are.







Also I want to thank nherizu for doing fanart from my ficlet Under Her Skin as a pay-it-forward gift. The art is in the fic and links to her full size post on Ao3. Thank you!!! I love it, bb!

I spent a lovely New Year's Eve with my dear friend Lacey and her fiancée, Sierra. dawnlett and I met her at 2013 LeakCon and snatched her up and adopted her. I am very much looking forward to this summer when I visit all the lovely people at hp_uk_meetup.







Okie Dokie! Thanks everybody for being an awesome community. The Harry Potter fandom is still so strong and through it I've made some lifelong friends. I know I can count on many more years of making future friends through it too and that is just AWESOME!

... I'll probably post my 2014 year-in-review after the harrybang goes live. I seem to have created a hell of a lot more words and hours of podfic than I realized, now that I've compiled it all. :P

Catch you all later! It's back to proofreading for me!

Hello f-list!

I'm sorry I've been so distant the past couple of months. I do this every year, but this year I've been feeling especially hermit-like. My time alone is really short lately and as much as I'd love to be around more in fandom, I just can't right now. Life things are looking up, but they're taking a hell of a lot of time and attention to make sure they keep going in a forward direction. I know you all will understand that. XD *hugs all the lovely people* If you're curious as to what's been happening to draw me away so much, I'll give a quick rundown in the spoiler cuts below. If you're not really interested in some areas, and would just like to know what the heck my plans are for future HP fandom participation, skip to the cut: Harry Potter Fandom.



My daughter: She's doing really well since we started in DBT (Dialectical Behavioral Therapy). Most of the kids in her therapy group are going through it because of eating disorders or self-harm, and she's not in that boat at all, so I'm very thankful. I am attending the therapy as part of a parent group, which is really helping me a lot to brush up on the skills I learned (that really got me started out of my darkest days in the mental health system). I like that the teen group isn't allowed to talk in group about why exactly they are there (so they don't feed off each other's maladaptive behaviors, but they do also have individual sessions, so those things are addressed. I get weekly email reports from her advisor at school and since we've started this therapy, she's only had positives to report.

Exercise/Fitness: I've not been doing fantastic with keeping up on this, but as of Tuesday, I'm still heading in the right direction. Since my last measurements I'm down a bit, but not at the pace I had been going. Still, I think it's healthy to slow up every so often, let the body find its normal, then start again with the intense training. I will write up a fitness post for those on my weightloss filter in a little while. Not gonna go into detail here.

Son: My son is going to be 13 in 2 days! OMG! I can't even believe that he'll be a teen. He is my child who has high-functioning autism. I went to his student-led conference last month and then had 2 conferences with the school board about his qualifications for special services. (they do this every few years). I'm so proud of how far he's grown and how much he's improved regarding school performance since we started him at the private school. His private school is tailored for kids with learning differences and most of the kids are somewhere on the spectrum. He's recently decided he wants to wear his hair long-ish. I think it looks great. Considering my husband's hair is down his back, I have no issues with how a person wants to wear their hair. I'm loving mine short, and eventually I plan to shave it all off again, just because I can, and because I love rocking the bald head look. :P (it also grows insanely fast and the bald look never lasts long for me.)

Toddler: The toddler has been a handful lately. He's three and a half and doesn't want to potty train. He's still nursing a couple of times a day, which is fine, I have no problems with going at his pace, but I am looking forward to reclaiming my boobs as MINE. It will happen. This too shall pass. But overall, he's a smart little duck and comes up with the most interesting observations. Last night, after a drawn out refusal to go to sleep in his own bed (which he later changed his mind about) he was lying beside me and pointing at the shadow cast by the ceiling lamp. He said goodnight to me, daddy, the pictures, the window, the door, and the (fish robot) he swears the shadow looks like. XD

Housemate: Our housemate is still with us and I am glad of it. She watches the toddler while I take my daughter to our group sessions on Thursdays. My husband is also home (as he works from home) but it's a real blessing to not have to figure out child care. She was 257 on the waiting list for the women's shelter back in September and has now moved up to the mid-40s, so this too is a good thing. When she gets a spot, they'll be able to help her with getting the services that just aren't freely given in this fucked up world we live in and I'm happy she won't have been on the streets during the winter season of waiting.

Husband: Husband is plugging along, doing his thing. We chat in the evening before bed and catch up on what's what. We're dealing with unexpected expenses from my emergency root canal and an insurance company refusing to cover them, but it could be so much worse, and we're thankful and fortunate to not be in a real hardship.

The hugest time suck of my day to day is driving. I loathe driving. Ever since I was hit by a car at 18, I swore I'd never drive ... and then my mom guilted me into doing it when I was pregnant with my daughter (because you have to be able to drive if you're a mom). Anyway... Now I'm driving nearly 3 hours a day, just taking my kids to school and back.. and on therapy days, it's more like 4.5 hours because of traffic and everything is on opposite sides of town from everything else. Blah. Humbug.




The Harry Big Bang is gearing up! OMG! I'm way excited about this! I am looking forward to submissions coming in and preparing to find every single spare minute I can to start proofreading! It's gonna be awesome!

My goal for podficcing the 300+k fic Turn by saras_girl all in 2014 is now complete! Turn the Podfic! I've sent the sound file to my lovely hosting person and will have it posted after she gets back to me with the link. I have so many feels about finishing this project. It was a true labor of love. I think the entire thing maxes out at almost 37 hours. It took at least 4 times as many hours to record and edit (and that's being generous with estimating, it was likely more). So, yeah... Whew! *wipes sweat from brow*

And now for some sadder news. I'm going to be using 2015 as a sort of hiatus year from fests. I'm still planning to co-mod hp_darkarts with writcraft and the hp_podfic_fest with starduchess, but as far as writing goes, my muse is not on HP right now. I do have several HP podfic projects planned for this coming year, but I will likely not be taking on any more until my hiatus ends. I'm also still going to the the hp_uk_meetup this summer and cannot wait to meet all the fandom friends that will be there. I suspect my HP squee will be back up in full force by then! So this hiatus is really only a break from participating in fests and it will end in 2016 in time for Leviosa the Harry Potter 2016 convention in Las Vegas! I'm so there!

I don't think I'll be in my quiet space for much longer. I really love all of you on my f-list and enjoy keeping up with all your news and chatting, etc... So even though I'm taking a break, I'm not leaving.

And I sent the last of my holiday cards today, so if you haven't got one yet and signed up for one, it's on its way! And my goal of beating last year's number of cards sent was met and more than doubled! So thank you for that! Sending cards is something that makes me so happy!





For those of you who follow me on tumblr at Mab-speaks or Mab-shares will have noticed, I've fallen into a new fandom as far as writing goes. I seem to have an all or nothing muse, and I can't juggle more than one canon and set of characters at a time. I completed my first fic for the Percy Jackson fandom late last month. It's called Shelter and is 71,505 words. I wrote it a chapter a day from mid-October through November and I haven't let go of it yet. I had to end it where I did to free up December and January for the Harry Big Bang, but I have three Shelterverse one-shots planned, the first is posted: Atonement and it pairs the greek god, Apollo with Zephyros, the god of the West Wind. The next will be my first go at a femslash pairing and the last is going to be the main pairing that featured in Shelter. After that, in February, I'm planning to begin the sequel.

I have too many feels and ideas and my head is just brimming to the point I have 3 documents filled with notes, canon/head canons, and partial outlines. I've never felt so freaking prolific in my life and it's just something I can't ignore or stifle. So I'm going with it and will find out where it gets me.

And see the pretty cover art made for me for Shelter... The artist is called St00pz and can be found on tumblr.



Another artist was inspired by the fic too and created this art Nico di Angelo gets a new jacket. And I've had two other people ask permission to fan art from the fic. OMG... so much squee!



All right ... and if you made it through all that, thank you. If you didn't, I don't blame you. Please don't feel guilty. I just want to give you all a heads up as to where I've been, why I'm quiet, and what my plans are. I love you all and I hold the fact true to my heart that Hogwarts will always be home, and I can never stay away forever.

Come and visit us at hp_darkarts for our mini-fest of short potions inspired fanworks! We're celebrating Halloween from now through the 31st! These fanworks will blow your mind and put you in a Halloween mood!