May. 2nd, 2016

mab: mab cosplays (sexy wexy)
Hello, livejournal. It's been a very long time since I've checked in and I've missed you all.

Life has been chaotic, but in a good way.

The past couple of years, I've been struggling hard with some personal revelations. Pretty much I can pinpoint the day they became REAL to the day the Prozac wore off. I'd been on it or an alternate antidepressant from ages 16-36; I'm now 38.

The day it wore off, I began writing a fic for the Harry Big Bang and pounded out 74k words for it in 2 weeks. For those of you who haven't read it, it deals largely with gender identity issues and despite the content warnings, is hugely positive and affirming. 'Twas Brillig is the fic, and the link goes to Ao3.

Why this is relevant. I haven't been aware/honest with myself for most of my life as to my own identity/sexuality. Largely, I've presented myself as a staunch LGBTQIA+ ally and left it at that. And then I've lived my life in a pretty much mental closet, stuffing everything I can't deal with into the back of my mind and not dealing with any of it. And that resulted in me kinda having a half-existence, not really living life, instead just bullshitting my way through it ... not connecting with my kids, my husband, my therapist, my kids teachers, my parents, etc... fandom was my escape and the only place I ever let my personality really shine.

Last fall, I decided to give my real life name one last go - see if I could reclaim it and that was a gigantic fail. I ended up so deep in depression I couldn't breathe. I picked up cosplay in an effort to pull myself out of it, since even fanfic writing was too hard. Cosplay, like fanfic writing and podficcing, and playing with art - pretty much fandom in general did give me a stepping stone and I realized I needed to deal with my shit and I needed help to do it in January.

I found another therapist familiar with questioning gender/sexuality issues and had a great first session. Set some goals and met them, and then the second session hit me like a blow to the chest. She couldn't take on another 'talk therapy' client, instead wanting to focus on mindfulness/body awareness meditation... etc.. new agey stuff that I think is great for some people, but wasn't my pressing need then. So I stopped seeing her and instead joined a spa/massage co-op where gender is pretty much a non-issue. Naked hot tubbing and sauna and being out of doors with all the genders and an understood respect of personal boundaries works wonders for me - more than talking shit out.

I'm totally going on a tangent again. Anyway. I came out to my immediate (people I live with) family as Androgyne (nonbinary/genderqueer) in February and life has been looking up like whoa since then. Husband and I have been connecting again, working on talking more, sharing goals and ideals, making sure our futurescopes line up still. They do. He's not exactly sure about what nonbinary gender means, but I've explained it's really just who I've always been, the me he fell in love with was still me, just a me who was unaware that being outside the binary box was a thing I could be.

I struggled with my weight for a long time, and while I acknowledge weight issues stem from many different sources for many different people, for me, it was mostly a symptom of my own disconnect from my true and honest self. I recognize myself looking in a mirror again. I feel present when I'm out and about walking, doing things. Hell, I'm out and about doing things again. ... that right there is a huge sign that I'm on the path to personal wellness.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Call me Mab. That's the name I've used with people I trust since 2004/2005. I'm using it in real life more now, and working up to officially changing my name and being honest with my extended family/parents, etc... As of now, I answer to any pronouns. Eventually, I'll likely prefer they/them, but for now I'm not focusing on that (because if I do, it'll hurt me every time it's ignored and I'm not strong enough to face that atm.)

My kids think it's nbd at all. They were so unperturbed by me coming out as genderqueer that it gives me hope for the future.




Late 2015

2016 (about 2 weeks ago)

This is the ship I've been obsessed with since 2014. Fanart by Brunagonda. I base my cosplays off her vision of Nico di Angelo and Will Solace. I'm still waiting for my blue contacts to arrive for Will.

September 2016

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