mab: mab cosplays (sexy wexy)
[personal profile] mab
Hello, livejournal. It's been a very long time since I've checked in and I've missed you all.

Life has been chaotic, but in a good way.



The past couple of years, I've been struggling hard with some personal revelations. Pretty much I can pinpoint the day they became REAL to the day the Prozac wore off. I'd been on it or an alternate antidepressant from ages 16-36; I'm now 38.

The day it wore off, I began writing a fic for the Harry Big Bang and pounded out 74k words for it in 2 weeks. For those of you who haven't read it, it deals largely with gender identity issues and despite the content warnings, is hugely positive and affirming. 'Twas Brillig is the fic, and the link goes to Ao3.

Why this is relevant. I haven't been aware/honest with myself for most of my life as to my own identity/sexuality. Largely, I've presented myself as a staunch LGBTQIA+ ally and left it at that. And then I've lived my life in a pretty much mental closet, stuffing everything I can't deal with into the back of my mind and not dealing with any of it. And that resulted in me kinda having a half-existence, not really living life, instead just bullshitting my way through it ... not connecting with my kids, my husband, my therapist, my kids teachers, my parents, etc... fandom was my escape and the only place I ever let my personality really shine.

Last fall, I decided to give my real life name one last go - see if I could reclaim it and that was a gigantic fail. I ended up so deep in depression I couldn't breathe. I picked up cosplay in an effort to pull myself out of it, since even fanfic writing was too hard. Cosplay, like fanfic writing and podficcing, and playing with art - pretty much fandom in general did give me a stepping stone and I realized I needed to deal with my shit and I needed help to do it in January.

I found another therapist familiar with questioning gender/sexuality issues and had a great first session. Set some goals and met them, and then the second session hit me like a blow to the chest. She couldn't take on another 'talk therapy' client, instead wanting to focus on mindfulness/body awareness meditation... etc.. new agey stuff that I think is great for some people, but wasn't my pressing need then. So I stopped seeing her and instead joined a spa/massage co-op where gender is pretty much a non-issue. Naked hot tubbing and sauna and being out of doors with all the genders and an understood respect of personal boundaries works wonders for me - more than talking shit out.

I'm totally going on a tangent again. Anyway. I came out to my immediate (people I live with) family as Androgyne (nonbinary/genderqueer) in February and life has been looking up like whoa since then. Husband and I have been connecting again, working on talking more, sharing goals and ideals, making sure our futurescopes line up still. They do. He's not exactly sure about what nonbinary gender means, but I've explained it's really just who I've always been, the me he fell in love with was still me, just a me who was unaware that being outside the binary box was a thing I could be.

I struggled with my weight for a long time, and while I acknowledge weight issues stem from many different sources for many different people, for me, it was mostly a symptom of my own disconnect from my true and honest self. I recognize myself looking in a mirror again. I feel present when I'm out and about walking, doing things. Hell, I'm out and about doing things again. ... that right there is a huge sign that I'm on the path to personal wellness.

Anyway, I've gone on long enough. Call me Mab. That's the name I've used with people I trust since 2004/2005. I'm using it in real life more now, and working up to officially changing my name and being honest with my extended family/parents, etc... As of now, I answer to any pronouns. Eventually, I'll likely prefer they/them, but for now I'm not focusing on that (because if I do, it'll hurt me every time it's ignored and I'm not strong enough to face that atm.)

My kids think it's nbd at all. They were so unperturbed by me coming out as genderqueer that it gives me hope for the future.






2013



2014



2015



Late 2015



2016 (about 2 weeks ago)








This is the ship I've been obsessed with since 2014. Fanart by Brunagonda. I base my cosplays off her vision of Nico di Angelo and Will Solace. I'm still waiting for my blue contacts to arrive for Will.













Date: 2016-05-02 02:50 pm (UTC)
lordhellebore: (rainbow)
From: [personal profile] lordhellebore
Um. So. Is it weird if my first reaction to this was "Duh"? Which I truly mean in the most positive way possible ♥ Not that we've been talking all that often, but well, you never gave me that very clear "woman!" vibe. And let me just say wow at the pictures, because that's a difference like night and day.

I'm really, realy happy for you. Enjoy being yourself, and discovering all that that entails :)

Date: 2016-05-02 06:11 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Weird? No. It's wonderful that was your first reaction. I love hearing that. XD

Thanks so much for your support. I follow you on FB more than LJ lately, but you're often in my thoughts even though we don't chat a lot lately. :)

Date: 2016-05-02 03:17 pm (UTC)
birdsofshore: (Default)
From: [personal profile] birdsofshore
Hello, mab! I loved seeing your photos, and it's so good that you've found this new understanding and peace with yourself.

Date: 2016-05-02 06:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thanks! I do feel a lot better, more confident. Here's hoping that builds up to get me through the summer and extended family things. :P

Date: 2016-05-02 03:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] amorette.livejournal.com
Im literally thrilled by this news, Mab:) Im so glad to see you happy ♥

Date: 2016-05-02 06:12 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thank you! *hugs and twirls*

Date: 2016-05-02 03:39 pm (UTC)
gracerene: (Default)
From: [personal profile] gracerene
So lovely seeing you pop up on my feed and I cannot tell you how thrilled I am to hear how things are going for you. That's a really wonderful and massive step, and I'm really glad that your family is supportive, and that you're feeling more comfortable in your skin. <3

I love your pictures, especially the most recent one. You look so happy and confident and awesome. :D

Also, your Will/Nico cosplay is too freaking awesome! You look fabulous!

Date: 2016-05-02 06:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thanks so much! I am feeling pretty darn good.

Doing a long-distance Solangelo cosplay today with a friend on the East Coast. This will be interesting. Figuring out how to get these pics and poses to combine. :P

Date: 2016-05-02 04:06 pm (UTC)
writcraft: (Default)
From: [personal profile] writcraft
I've been thinking about you a lot and you know I have been going through similar things myself re: non-binary identity and what it means etc. I think you look amazing as I've said before in the cosplay and I'm thrilled to hear you're feeling happier, liberated and more comfortable in your own skin - it makes a world of difference. Love you loads, darling. You're in my thoughts even when I'm a bit absent at times <333

Date: 2016-05-02 06:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Nods. *hugs you tight*

I think you look amazing lately too. Loving the new hairstyle and the fashion/shopping things I've been seeing you share. You're always in my thoughts too and I suspect it won't be terribly long before we both get the dark!fic itch and begin plotting dastardly deeds for darkarts. .... hrm... I kinda like Dastardly Deeds as a theme.

Catch up soon!

Date: 2016-05-02 04:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] blithelybonny.livejournal.com
It's awesome how much HAPPIER you look in those later pictures. So glad you're finding your vibe.

(Also, ngl, you're like stupid hot. *hearteyes* And I want to steal your shirt in that last pic. Love it!)

Date: 2016-05-02 06:30 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thank you! *blushy face*

I love that shirt. It gets me a lot of grins from people at the gym.

Date: 2016-05-02 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] groolover.livejournal.com
Yay! That all sounds like very positive stuff. And it's great that your family are so supportive.

Date: 2016-05-02 06:34 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thanks! Yes. Mark and the kids are really awesome and supportive. I'm bracing myself for the extended family let down, but it really might not be so bad. It could be fine, it could be a lot worse... It's not knowing that is so damn scary.

I still have loads of negative guilty voice in my head, reminding me that others have it so much worse, that in comparison, I ought to not even be sweating it... but then, that just makes me bottle my feels up more, so I'm trying my hardest to not listen and just do.

Date: 2016-05-03 11:40 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] groolover.livejournal.com
I have a similar negative voice in my head - those voices are so annoying! But so hard to ignore!

Date: 2016-05-03 07:41 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Way too true.

Date: 2016-05-02 05:23 pm (UTC)
digthewriter: (dig the drunk)
From: [personal profile] digthewriter
That's amazing. I called you Mab everywhere I went anyway :)

You look so great and you're such an inspiration.

You're an awesome person since the day we'd met and always an inspiration in every way. True story. (nods)

Keep up the good work and I love that last shot ... smokin! :D

Date: 2016-05-02 06:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thank you! That means a lot. You're a real awesome person too and I'm so glad to have met you.


*hugs*

Date: 2016-05-02 05:45 pm (UTC)
nia_kantorka: (HG)
From: [personal profile] nia_kantorka
Ah, Mab, I'm glad you've found what feels good and way more comfortable for yourself.

Shall we (here on LJ) just start using the right pronouns? We're their friend and should manage, right? I try to use they/them/their already whenever I post something on tumblr about people whose gender idk. It's only polite, isn't it? To not assume things based on a name or the final syllable of a word.

Wow, look at this transformation. Love their happy smile in the pics from 2016, especially the cosplay ones. :D
*all the hugs my friend*
<333

Date: 2016-05-02 06:42 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thanks, Nia.

The pronoun thing is something I'd like to not make a huge issue of right now. It would be totally cool to be referred to by they/them, but I'm not going to take issue or get upset with people using she/her. My hugest issues are when people assume and call me Ma'am, Lady, chick. -_- ... but fandom doesn't really do that.

I like using They/Them as a default when I don't know/don't want to presume with people. It's a good practice, IMO.

*hugs to you too* I am enjoying having more smiles lately. Glad to hear it shows.

Date: 2016-05-02 05:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] anemonen.livejournal.com
I'm so happy for you!! <3
And your cosplay is really awesome! You really manage to embody the different characters and you look great.

Date: 2016-05-02 06:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thank you! I appreciate that!

Date: 2016-05-02 07:49 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] tripperfunster.livejournal.com
I think I would have walked right by you on the street! You look great. Of course, you looked great before too, but you are so different now than the Mab I have in my head!

Good for you for finding and embracing your authentic self. *hugs*

Date: 2016-05-03 07:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
lol! A lot of people on my FB are saying similar things, especially my mom and mother in law. I don't mind. I kinda like my chameleon super powers.

Thanks for the support!

Date: 2016-05-02 09:07 pm (UTC)
kitty_fic: (Default)
From: [personal profile] kitty_fic
I'm so happy that you are in a happier place now! You look brilliant! Happy and confident!

Date: 2016-05-03 07:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thanks so much, Kitty. *hugs*

Date: 2016-05-03 12:33 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] saladbats.livejournal.com
So much love to you!
And we are overdue for hanging out time!

Date: 2016-05-03 07:46 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thanks!

We really are long overdue. Last meet up was in like, January???

We should totally rectify that soon. Even if it's just us grabbing a cup of coffee. If you find yourself on the Portland side of the river with an hour to spare, totally send me a text. Or send me a text anyway and we can plan a thing. :P

Date: 2016-05-03 08:39 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lyonessheart.livejournal.com
MAB!! *glomps* you are back! well You are talking to us, and it has been so much that was and is still going on. It seems so long ago that we saw each other when in reality not even a year has gone by. I am glad that you identified what you need and that your family supports you in the path that you have in front of you. It would be so much easier if society could just say - every one should live life as they want without sticking people in neat little boxes.

I am glad you are talking to us and you look fantastic!!!

Date: 2016-05-03 07:52 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Hey! Good to see you!

IKR? The London meet up was only 10 months ago which is still kind of a long time, but not a really long time. Thanks for stopping in to hi and for your support. I will try to post more on my lj - share what I'm up to. I haven't much since mostly I'm playing around in a fandom that isn't HP.

Challenging my own boxes, I ought to do it anyway.

*glomps back*

Date: 2016-05-04 07:56 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lyonessheart.livejournal.com
I know but I indulge in your Percy Jackson fics as well :) Nico deserves love and hell that is one ship that is officially canon! Does little happy dance

Date: 2016-05-07 10:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
You do?!!

Hooray! I'm having too much fun in the PJO fandom, even when life makes writing difficult.

Date: 2016-05-09 12:38 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lyonessheart.livejournal.com
it is great that you have fun in that fandom :) more fics for me to read *G*

Date: 2016-05-03 11:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] drarryxlover.livejournal.com
I'm glad you've found peace with yourself, you look so much happier in the latter pics. It's really good seeing you happy, with yourself and with life *hugs* ♥

Date: 2016-05-07 10:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thanks so much, bb! It's such a wonderful breath of fresh air to see your name again. That is one thing I love about online friendships though, when you reconnect, you pick up where you left off, even if a lot of time goes by in between. And I take comfort in that. *hugs you*

Hope you're doing well too!

Date: 2016-05-08 04:34 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] drarryxlover.livejournal.com
I love that too! It's a great thing about online, because we all know everyone else has lives outside the internet.

I'm busy, hardly on anymore. Back at uni which is tough and my days are filled with my nephew so I hardly have time to be online. Which makes me sad but kind of glad too, in a way. If you know what I mean.

*hugs*

Date: 2016-05-07 07:39 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] vix-spes.livejournal.com
Yay! I'm so glad that things are looking up for you and that you're so much happier. How wonderful that your family is being so supportive as well.

And you look awesome in the most recent pics (I also want your shirt!) ♥

Date: 2016-05-07 10:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mab.livejournal.com
Thanks.

I'm really thankful for my kids and husband's support too. It's like... I'm not actually 'different' than I was before ... really, the difference is that I'm more me and more present and happy - connected, you know?

LOL.. I get the funniest reactions to this shirt. It's a bit of conversation starter even with random people who pass by, and all of the conversations have been a fun sort of banter. I got it at Hot Topic... don't know if you have one where you're at, but if you do, that's where to look.

:)
Edited Date: 2016-05-07 10:22 pm (UTC)

Date: 2016-05-14 09:47 pm (UTC)
lokifan: black Converse against a black background (Default)
From: [personal profile] lokifan
Wow, that's so great! I'm so pleased you've worked this out and you're out to immediate family and feeling good! You look so alive and awesome in those last couple of pics!

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